If like me you enjoy learning about self development and growth, listening to podcasts, reading books, articles and social media posts around self care related subjects, you’ll know that it’s not too long before you trip over the subject of boundaries.
I like to describe a boundary as a line that you draw and then communicate to others about what you are willing and not willing to allow, what you are and are not available for, where your responsibility begins and ends, what you do and don’t need.
I regularly see with my clients the issues caused and the consequences that arise from not giving enough thought and time to the setting and maintaining and boundaries. (Because yes, you have to maintain them too – deciding what they are is just the first step!)
And setting boundaries is hard! It feels somehow easier to not have them, so that you never have to say no, or risk other people’s disappointment, hurt, anger or rejection.
Until you understand what the true consequences of a lack of boundaries is for your most important person – yes, YOU.
I like to think of myself as someone who has and keeps strong boundaries – and in many areas this is true. But in others I am as inconsistent as the next woman.
My boundaries with my child definitely need work at times – partially because he is very strong willed (no idea where he gets THAT from!) but also because I find it hard to hold boundaries with him for emotional reasons and my need to be ‘a great mum’.
So, how do you start to work out if you have your boundaries all under control, or if you still have work to do?
Most people do instinctively know, but in case you want to prove it to yourself…
Here are five things to consider that will help you work out if your boundaries are an issue;
You hold a lot of resentment
How much resentment do you hold in your life? What or who do you resent for getting in the way of you doing and being what you want to be? Feelings of resentment are a clear sign that you are not holding strong boundaries, often with other people but sometimes with yourself too.
It could be for example that your children are demanding, too used to being able to get your attention – and you may resent things like interruptions to your work, having to collect them from classes and clubs, the time spent clearing up their mess. But often this is created by a lack of boundaries (along with typical mum guilt for working and not always being there when they need you!)
Maybe you don’t get enough time to yourself or headspace to think but you notice that your partner does. And instead of wondering why that is and making some changes and taking control, you simply feel resentful.
You feel overwhelmed
Overwhelm is another word we hear a lot and the fact is that overwhelm is much more likely to happen when your boundaries are an issue. None of us can do everything, so if you, or others, are expecting too much of you and it can’t all be done or borne or managed, you need to set some boundaries and either drop certain obligations or work out how to meet them differently.
You dislike people who display good boundaries
If you notice yourself finding other people (women in particular), dislikable, ask yourself if it is because they appear strong, clear and confident in their boundaries? If you are often triggered by this type of person, it’s a form of jealously because you do not use boundaries in the way that they do. You don’t really dislike them, you dislike your own lack of boundaries.
You feel used or taken for granted
If you frequently find yourself in situations where you feel you are being taken advantage of, this again is a sign that your boundaries need work. Don’t put this all on your ‘good nature’ either, that’s just an excuse. You can be a good, nice, empathetic person and STILL have boundaries which ensure you are not taken advantage of.
You label other people’s boundaries negatively
If someone cancels a social occasion with you because they’re tired and need to rest or replies to the round robin WhatsApp about helping with something like a work project or request from the PTA with a clear “sorry I am not available’, do you think they are being mean? Self centred? Do you judge them?
In cases like this you are interpreting boundaries as a negative thing – perhaps you secretly worry that your boundaries will be judged in the same way?
Does any of this resonate?
And can you see that if we feel overwhelmed, resentful, used and jealous, this is not a good mindset for us to be taking positive, healthy action from?
I love working with women on their boundaries, helping them to see where they need to act differently and coaching them through how to make decisions, take action and negotiate with others around a new set of boundaries so that life becomes more joyful, spacious and comfortable.
Then they can let go of some of that overwhelm and resentment and create a mindset of more possibility and growth, unhindered by the things that have been holding them back in life, relationships and business.
If you’d like to book a discovery call to talk about how coaching can help you in this area, just click the link and let’s talk!